I miss him..I miss him so much it hurts..Everyday i wonder, how different life would be if he was here..Please come back bhai..

Scared of Happiness?

I am weird..I really am..I don't know if its commonplace(rather i hope this isn't commonplace) but i am scared..Scared..Scared of being happy..Every time i can feel that feeling creeping up on me, its like warning bells sound in my head!!Shraddha!!You can't be happy!!My mind then drifts away to all those reasons for which i have to be sad about..And hence..I am back to square one..Don't confuse me..I am not in depression or anything like that!!But i believe that one cries as much as one laughs (did u notice that i said "one cries" before "one laughs"??)Anyway..So laughing scares me..Every time it makes me think that i will have to cry one day to square it!!What a terrible way to live life na..Actually its not as bad as it sounds..I am ok..But sometimes i feel that "mid- age crisis" has come to me a little too early in life..I guess i just need peace..And stability in life..I hope this changes soon re!!

Random lines - Dedicated

I can live my life missing him
Torturing myself with that pain
But i dont want that
I dont want him to look down at me and feel sad
I dont want him to go through any more pain than he already has
But..but how do i not let it hurt
How do i not miss my brother, my friend, my baby?
Why does life has to end
Why did it have to end for him?

Reliving......

Reliving the past can never be good right??But how does one escape it??And SHOULD one escape it??I wish i had the answer to any one of these questions...

Better!!I think...

Finally..Finally things seem to be getting better..Atleast on the work front..Yeah, i still have my days where everything seems to fall apart(ask my friends at work!they will give you details!) but atleast i am happier there now..And people have started having a little faith on me..But most of all, i can see myself learning..I can see the change..And that feels good..Its nice to know that i am not as dumb as i think i am..I know my weaknesses..And i am trying to work on them..I guess this is what this experience is about..I know that i will look back on this and be proud of myself!!

But as everything, this situation also has its downside..I just hope that things sort out soon on that front..And i hope this is worth it..

That is life na..It can never be good completely!

Goa!!!

Been missing Goa today..No reason in particular..Actually was watching tv in the morning and saw this song which was shot there..Watching that song sequence, i could feel the wind in my hair with the sea in the background..It was the most memorable trip of my life..That little state feels different..The beautiful by lanes..with the most quaintest of bakery shops..the amazing sea shore..the feel of soft sand beneath your feet..those amazingly lit beach shaks..the smell of happiness..It's all there..

I wish to go back there..Soon that too!

Work..And Me..

Yeah..It's been ages since i wrote..I guess that is why these past few weeks have been the way they have been (Am i talking in riddles?) Well, i guess that is what life has been like since i joined work..A riddle..

It's been a month since i joined work..And i have never felt so unsettled about life as i have been feeling since the last week..All my assumptions about myself have been questioned..And doubted..And worst of all..By me..

I can't believe that i have been acting this way..Work seems to have killed all happiness in me..I have become so obsessed with it that every moment i have of peace, i ensure it is ruined thinking of work..

I don't know if this happens with everyone in general, everyone in the company i work in..Or am i just the lucky one..But work is getting to me..So much so that every morning i get up, all i think is how i don't wanna go to work..About how i would do just about anything to not go that day..It's not that i am scared of working hard..It's just the pressure and expectations of everyone from some one as new as me, that are scaring me..Or probably the longevity of this phase of my life that is scaring me..I don't know..

I guess it is just a bad phase in life..Or whatever..But i need to sort out my head..Everyone has been telling me that i am acting like a child..Which is true..But i can't seem to shake myself up..Even if i do, it is very momentary..A small incident gets me back to that state of mind..I feel like slapping myself..I can't believe i am such a loser..I can't believe that i have given up on this so soon!!This is not the Shraddha i know!!

I do hope things change soon..I want to be happy..And i wanna look forward to work everyday..