Life as we know it!!

4 years!! 4 years since i wrote anything! Oh how i have missed this!! Its funny, how we don't end up taking out time for what we enjoy doing.. And the justification we give ourselves is that we were busy.. For most of us, busy doing things which we don' even like, if not hate.. 

They say age brings maturity, i think age brings complacency.. And thats the worst part of getting older.. We become ok with things, we accept whatever is thrown at us, we get used to compromising on everything.. Specially our happiness.. Is this really how i want to live for whatever little time i have left on this "not so good" earth.. The obvious answer is no.. But the question then is, what the hell am i doing about it? Well, pretty much nothing.. I just sit with a drink, contemplate on life, crib about it, cry about it but then tomorrow comes and its the same as yesterday.. I need to change.. Change this callousness towards life and happiness.. I deserve better! We all deserve better!

Cheers to life i say!! And cheers to change! 

Have to HAVE TO write today!! Very rarely am I as happy as I am today.. No special day at all.. Just happy.. Had great fun yesterday with friends!! And got flowers from a friend today!! As I said, nothing special or extravagant.. But it’s just nice.. I so love getting flowers.. It is probably the only gift I can get which can cheer me up as much as they do!!

On that happy note, a pessimistic one :-) i hope this continues..

Goodbye 2009...

It feels as if I owe my blog this post..For one last time this year..It’s been one of the toughest years of my life..Have had so much to cope up with..Have fought, both with others and within me..Have lost many important people in my life, even though they are still around..Anyway, I can go on and on about cribbing about my life..But I don’t want to end it this way..What I want to remember of this year is the fact thatt I have made great friends..Have learnt that loneliness is not necessarily bad..Have pushed myself to see my pain threshhold and realised that I am quite strong..Have leant to smile even though what was happening in front of me was one of the saddest things that has happened..Have finally shifted to a job that I believe that I want to do..Have given myself hope J (sounds very cliched na!)..But in the end..This year has been worth every second..Happy or otherwise..

It’s been a long time since I wrote anything. Well life has completely changed since then. I have started with a new job which I like, have made new friends whom I like (☺), have changed my way of living a little, have become more open to changes, have given myself room for making erroneous judgments and still be happy about them, have started wearing jeans more often (that too the relatively fitting ones!), have started looking forward to evenings with myself more, have started to try to think less (thanks to a friend who keeps on reminding me of how useless it is), have started to look for reasons and ways of cheering myself up from within me, have started going home early, have started expecting less and being more content, have started listening to music more, have started to looking forward to things like “gol gappas” and “chuskis” on a winter night and so much more….

Have finally started to grow up I think ☺

Ok.. Lets face the truth.. I am scared.. Actually so scared that i don't remember the last time i slept for an hour without waking up.. Life is revolving much much faster that i can catch up with.. Though i do feel that i am trying to get a grip on things, but its really tough.. How does one make oneself stop feeling something you feel so much! I guess i need to learn to make my mind rule my emotions.. And not vice versa!

Anyway.. As my gmail status message says.. It'll get better.. I hope..

Love..Aaj Kaal

Saw "Love Aaj Kal".. And all i could do was cry.. It was almost like seeing my life unfold in front of me.. I remember that scene where Dipika is sitting alone in her flat with just a candle light and crying.. And all I could think was that this is how I am going to end up too.. Alone.. I know that the movie had a happy ending, well it had to.. It's a movie but I don't think my life is going to end up in a happy ending..

I can't believe that life has reached such a stage.. I seemed to have lost so much of me.. It's almost like i have to find my footing all over again.. Never in my life have i wanted to cry and have had no one to call.. Never have i felt so vulnerable.. Never have i looked for a hug and found no one to hug me back :-(

Everyday I hope that things get better.. But they seemed to have just get worse..

It's unbelievable the amount of pain i am going through right now..Everything is a mess..I am so scared..I don't know how i will manage..I have never prayed for so much strength as i do now..

A joke from a friend of mine made me realise that maybe i am not good enough to get a good job on my own capacity..I would always need reference..Is that true??I didn't think so..I have done decently well till now at work..And i cope with pressure easily..Then??I don't know..

For my own sake, i will always have to believe that i can get a job on my own capacity..

Misunderstood..

There are phases in life when whatever you say or do gets misinterpreted..Such are times now..Everything i do has been taken in the wrong sense..I don't mean to hurt anyone..I might not treat people as well as others would like me to, but i will never mean to hurt them..I might not say it or do things that reflect that but they do mean a lot to me..And i might be a terrible person but i love genuinely..No one should doubt that..I know i am wrong..But its never intentional..It will never be..

It has been a long time since i wrote last!And i missed writing!!It's not like nothing good or bad happened in the last X number of days(I know people think i always write when i am sad or angry!)..

A lot has happened re..Life has been full of ups and downs..And i am tired..Work is weird as usual..Don't enjoy what i do..Almost everyone i have voluntarily wanted to work for, has left..I don't have much of an incentive to do so much as to go to work..Don't know what to do..I guess there will be a respite soon..I hope..That is all for now..For people who check this blog to be updated on my life(i hope they are not though), life is maintained at status quo..Till new problems in my life arise..Adieu..

Not Done..

Very disappointed..Don't know in myself or the people around me or just the circumstance..Got to hear something from a senior today that has changed a lot of things in my head..I know I made a mistake..But I don't think I deserved to hear that..I might not have done a lot but have done enough to be given a benefit of doubt sometimes..It hurts you know..After so much, this is what one gets to hear..A friend tells me that this is "Corporate Life"..If this is the kind of life i will be subjected to the next 37 years of my life, then I don't think I am cut out for this..Call me weak or whatever..But I expect things from people..I know that is wrong in itself but that is who I am..And that is what I guess is the main reason for the disappointment..I know I need to learn from this and move on..I am trying too..But its tough..Cause there is no one whom I can tell this to and expect that person to understand..I guess one needs to learn to not depend on others..

One year in ICICI Bank..

It's gonna be one year!!ONE year in this bank..I didn't think I'd last for even 3 months here..But I am so glad I did..Have met few of the most amazing people here..People who have made me gain so much confidence in me and in who I am..They have given me amazing amount of love and respect..I will never be able to forget them..I know time has come for them to move on to better opportunities in life..And I am happy for them..But i hope they know that I will miss them terribly..They have become family now!

Failure..In life..

Its weird how i have failed in everything in life that is important..To me or to others..Be it love, friendship, expectations, happiness..everything..

God knows I try, he knows how hard I try to keep those important me, happy..Somehow i have always failed..Whatever I do is either misinterpreted, misunderstood or not understood at all..I know I have my weaknesses..But I do try to not let it come in other's happiness..It is just getting tougher and tougher..Am lost..What to do..I suffocate myself at times..Just feel like running away..I know its a loser attitude..But I seem to have no other solution right now..When will things get simpler..When will I be able to say that i am actually capable of keeping my loved ones happy..

This is who i am..

I don't understand..Why does the world have a problem with who i am??I am that kind of a person who gives a sh** about what others say or think..Then why do others bother about it..That too those people who i am close to??I quite like myself!Why should i curb myself for people who don;t even matter in my life just coz they have a certain image of me in their minds..I know i have my weaknesses..But so what..Shouldn't the only thing that should matter to my friends be what i feel?I know they are right in what they say..I don't deny that but is what others feel worth me changing myself?Or me pretending to be someone i don't like??I really don't understand this fact..But i guess i am not supposed to understand everything..

I Hate...

I hate this..I hate feeling so strongly about people or issues..I hate always having this nagging feeling that somewhere, somehow, someone is lying to me..I hate expecting so much from people..I hate feeling insecure..I hate feeling possessive..I hate not being in control of myself..I hate being a part of issues where my importance is not even felt..I hate hurting people..I hate hurting myself..I hate hating so much about myself..

Last week was such a mess..I don't know why god is punishing Appy for all my mistakes!I deserve to go through so much..Not him..He has never even hurt a fly!!And the worst is that i couldn't be with him when he wanted me the most.I know he will never forgive me for this..But i didn't know what to do..I wish i was there..I wish it was me instead of him..It hurts..

One year..........Forever to go..

It's gonna be one year..Can't believe that call was one year back!At some level, I still don't believe that you are not around..I still don't believe that you are not going to pick up my call when I call you..So much has changed over the last year..But somethings don't change..Time hasn't made the pain any lesser..Or any more bearable..I don't know where you are or how you are..Just want you to know that I LOVE YOU more than anything else in the world and i hope that you are in peace..Manyu..I miss you terribly..I wish you were here re..I so wish you were here..

Happy :-)

Am happy for a change..:-) And it feels nice..

Mid January blues!!

Life is a mess..Don't know what to do..Work just gets too much at times..I don't know how to handle it..Even personal like is a mess..Sometimes nothing works for you!!It's like god wants to ensure that every possible door to even a little happiness is taken away..When will this end!!!

Birthday!!

My Birthday is coming!!!I know it sounds ridiculously stupid to get excited at "this age" about things like birthdays but I can't help it!!They have always been special..And always been made special by the people in my life..I have really been very lucky..Have the most amazing set of family and friends..My friends have done such amazing things for me!!They have given me amazing surprises..Said and done the sweetest things..I am glad I am me :-)