:-(

Courtesy:Chas Creek

Today was, rather is, one of those days when I don't have a reason to be in a foul mood..One of those days when everything hurts..Things I wouldn't have even given a second thought about on normal days hurt me tremendously!!I don't like it..I don't like feeling so vulnerable..But yeah, this also helps me keep things in perspective..At least, I tell people what i feel about issues i wouldn't have brought up otherwise..This day just makes me feel lonely and make me see all the things that are bad in my life,every relationship that has problems..Basically everything feels ****ed up..I know its wrong, but i can't help it..This is who i am i guess!!

But yeah, am working on trying to improve it!!By treating myself to a rasmalai and watching back to back episodes of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. (2 done, another 5 to go, definitely!!)

Little drops of Happiness :-)

I have spent most of my 22yrs on this earth, looking for happiness in big things!!From the time i was 5 when happiness was related to going to grandparents house every summer till now when it was related to getting into a decent grad school to getting a good job..These are things that happen rarely..So is it really practical to tie your happiness with them??Of course that is considering you actually desire to be happy!!(We all believe we want it, but how many of us actually desire it?)Every now and then, circumstances remind me that i can't afford to lose any moment being sad..

I had forgotten the joy one gets in getting a unexpected call from an old friend, a compliment for someone you love, or getting up to great weather, knowing what AJAX is(!), or being able to install a camera all by myself( i am very handicapped when it comes to computers!), having a hot cup of tea on a rainy evening, or a song on fm which reminds you of an old flame, that little piece of chocolate cake, a romantic sms.....And so much more..I read this quote somewhere saying that we don't have to die to go to heaven or hell..We all have our own heaven or hell right here which we live in..That's so true..It's in our hands to look at life with "rose coloured glasses" or otherwise..We have the option of getting up on the "Right" side of bed every morning and deciding that it will be a good day..And then it will be..I have lost 22 yrs on looking forward to big things in life..And i hope to amend that immediately!!Hope you do too..

Death..And Life..

NO..i have no fascination with death..But unfortunately, i have been constantly reminded of that since the past few months..It's like god kicks me every few days to remind me that life is so frail..It's just the matter of one second..One second...And your whole life can turn upside down..You every dream can be shattered..Your every hope of happiness is crushed..it's like THE END..Of everything........

Death scares me..Not mine..That i don't care about..But of people i love..I have had to go through this once..I don't know if i have the strength to go through it again..When manu died..All i could think then was, what must chachi being going through..What must his girl friend being going through..I guess that is why it is taking me so long to accept this death..But my point is, I don't think i am strong enough to go through that..If something happened to those few i love, i will probably go crazy..Death is too permanent for me to take..For everyone i guess..All i wanna say is..God bless Ricky..And everyone who is in the heavens..You all will be missed..

Such is life..I guess..

Life is weird..It makes you miss people you never thought you would..I just dropped two of my friends at the station..Spent almost a week with them..Never knew that one quality week with them could change how i see each of those relationships..Things weren't great between us..But now there feels no need to sort them out..As she said, "Let bygones be bygones"..I guess time HAS come to move on..To accept the past and move on!!Things change..So do relationships..Why do i like to hang on to ones that are not meant to be and close myself to those which probably deserve much more than i give them??This loses me at times..How can i be so naive..I amaze myself!!I need to learn to give up and give in..Not waste my life on people who don't care about me..I was telling Krishna today that in every past relationship of mine,however much i have been hurt, i still look back on them and smile..Frankly they don't even deserve it..But i do..This makes me feel weak..I should be angry,hurt,disappointed..I guess i am all of those..But they tend to take a back seat!!

Life is sad..It makes you realise that you probably didn't give due time and dedication to relationships that warranted for such much more..I wish i had been more forgiving and understanding..I wish i had given people another chance..They certainly deserved it..My life would have been very different today if i had done any of that..But i guess it is better late than never..Hopefully i wont make the same mistakes again..

Life is weakness..It makes you realise that every emotion that you go through is coz you have a weakness for that..Love, hate, success, failure, anger, happiness...Everything..Everything is a weakness..That is why i say..Having a weakness isn't bad..Actually it's good..Makes you live and feel every moment of it!!One would be dead if one wasn't weak..

Life is subjective..You might not agree to anything i just said..And that is perfect..There is no equation for life..I guess that is what makes people want to live..

An ode to Manu..

Just back from a trip to bhopal..A much needed trip i think..It was great fun..Meeting old friends, living the kinda life i used to 5 yrs back..Was fun..yeah..:)

But i missed 2 people a lot there..One i wont write about coz it's a relationship i still can't accept that it doesn't exist..And it hurts..But the other.......

Manu died almost 3 months back..I still remember that call i received from ma when she told me about him..I still feel the same chills as i did then..I couldnt believe it..It was manu re..How could anything happen to him!!I have always thought about how i would react to losing someone close to me, but you really cant prepare yourself for it..Nothing can..I remember seeing his body lying in the mortuary with nothing but a fan above him and his body full of sand..I can only think of the pain he would have gone through before dying..I wish i could feel it..I think everyday what must have been his last thoughts..I hope he remembered me once..Its a ridiculous hope i know, but i do hope he had..I remember touching his forehead before his funeral, and i got so scared coz it was so cold..I couldnt believe that he could be so cold..

If you know me you'd know that i have only a few people in my life who i love..very few people actually..Be it family or otherwise(to me, its not a necessity to love just coz i am related to them!)..Manu was my brother, my most trusted friend, my source of strength, my source of weakness..I remember the times when we were very young and we used to sleep on our dadi's terrace in summers, he and i used to lie down and stare at the skies and make up constellations that we believed looked like something or the other!!I remember going for a walk with him every morning at 7 to collect flowers for dadi..I remember counting days backward for his visit..Somewhere deep inside, I still do..Most of the happiest memories of my childhood have to do with him..How could i accept that he is dead!!Its been one of the most sobering experience of my life..Makes you realise how important it is tell the people you love, that you love them..Even if they are family..It should never be implied..I used to tell Apuarv that he is the only brother of mine who actually says "i love you sis" to me..And that meant so much to me..I don't think i have ever lost the opportunity to say that to him too, but after all this,one is left feeling that i wish i had done more for him..I really do..I pray so hard that i could get to hug once more..My heart still hurts so badly missing him..Where ever he is, i hope he know i love him..I love him a lot..