Birthday!!

My Birthday is coming!!!I know it sounds ridiculously stupid to get excited at "this age" about things like birthdays but I can't help it!!They have always been special..And always been made special by the people in my life..I have really been very lucky..Have the most amazing set of family and friends..My friends have done such amazing things for me!!They have given me amazing surprises..Said and done the sweetest things..I am glad I am me :-)

I miss him..I miss him so much it hurts..Everyday i wonder, how different life would be if he was here..Please come back bhai..

Scared of Happiness?

I am weird..I really am..I don't know if its commonplace(rather i hope this isn't commonplace) but i am scared..Scared..Scared of being happy..Every time i can feel that feeling creeping up on me, its like warning bells sound in my head!!Shraddha!!You can't be happy!!My mind then drifts away to all those reasons for which i have to be sad about..And hence..I am back to square one..Don't confuse me..I am not in depression or anything like that!!But i believe that one cries as much as one laughs (did u notice that i said "one cries" before "one laughs"??)Anyway..So laughing scares me..Every time it makes me think that i will have to cry one day to square it!!What a terrible way to live life na..Actually its not as bad as it sounds..I am ok..But sometimes i feel that "mid- age crisis" has come to me a little too early in life..I guess i just need peace..And stability in life..I hope this changes soon re!!

Random lines - Dedicated

I can live my life missing him
Torturing myself with that pain
But i dont want that
I dont want him to look down at me and feel sad
I dont want him to go through any more pain than he already has
But..but how do i not let it hurt
How do i not miss my brother, my friend, my baby?
Why does life has to end
Why did it have to end for him?

Reliving......

Reliving the past can never be good right??But how does one escape it??And SHOULD one escape it??I wish i had the answer to any one of these questions...

Better!!I think...

Finally..Finally things seem to be getting better..Atleast on the work front..Yeah, i still have my days where everything seems to fall apart(ask my friends at work!they will give you details!) but atleast i am happier there now..And people have started having a little faith on me..But most of all, i can see myself learning..I can see the change..And that feels good..Its nice to know that i am not as dumb as i think i am..I know my weaknesses..And i am trying to work on them..I guess this is what this experience is about..I know that i will look back on this and be proud of myself!!

But as everything, this situation also has its downside..I just hope that things sort out soon on that front..And i hope this is worth it..

That is life na..It can never be good completely!

Goa!!!

Been missing Goa today..No reason in particular..Actually was watching tv in the morning and saw this song which was shot there..Watching that song sequence, i could feel the wind in my hair with the sea in the background..It was the most memorable trip of my life..That little state feels different..The beautiful by lanes..with the most quaintest of bakery shops..the amazing sea shore..the feel of soft sand beneath your feet..those amazingly lit beach shaks..the smell of happiness..It's all there..

I wish to go back there..Soon that too!

Work..And Me..

Yeah..It's been ages since i wrote..I guess that is why these past few weeks have been the way they have been (Am i talking in riddles?) Well, i guess that is what life has been like since i joined work..A riddle..

It's been a month since i joined work..And i have never felt so unsettled about life as i have been feeling since the last week..All my assumptions about myself have been questioned..And doubted..And worst of all..By me..

I can't believe that i have been acting this way..Work seems to have killed all happiness in me..I have become so obsessed with it that every moment i have of peace, i ensure it is ruined thinking of work..

I don't know if this happens with everyone in general, everyone in the company i work in..Or am i just the lucky one..But work is getting to me..So much so that every morning i get up, all i think is how i don't wanna go to work..About how i would do just about anything to not go that day..It's not that i am scared of working hard..It's just the pressure and expectations of everyone from some one as new as me, that are scaring me..Or probably the longevity of this phase of my life that is scaring me..I don't know..

I guess it is just a bad phase in life..Or whatever..But i need to sort out my head..Everyone has been telling me that i am acting like a child..Which is true..But i can't seem to shake myself up..Even if i do, it is very momentary..A small incident gets me back to that state of mind..I feel like slapping myself..I can't believe i am such a loser..I can't believe that i have given up on this so soon!!This is not the Shraddha i know!!

I do hope things change soon..I want to be happy..And i wanna look forward to work everyday..

Mumbai Meri Jaan..

I never thought it will hurt to miss a city!!I mean, yeah..You miss people..And that hurts..But a city??The truth is..That it does..And it hurts like hell..

To me, Mumbai is Bombay..It's the city which has made me who i am..The city which has given me the most happiness..The city which has given me the most beautiful relationships of my life..Be it friends..Or more than that..It somehow feels good..The air, it makes me feel happy..It makes me feel like this is the place i want to spend the rest of my life with (I do hope i gett o spend the rest of my life there!)I know people have a million complaints about that city..The population, the over crowded locals, the smell, the fast pace etc etc..But its all that that i love Bombay for and soooo much more..I love the fact that i can roam around in that city at 1 o'clock in the nigt in an auto and not lose a heart beat!!I don't have to be on my toes all the time, looking out for people trying to swindle me..I don't have to listen to cheap comments made on me (It does happen, but its far lesser compared to Delhi!)More than anything else, i feel at peace there..That everything will sort out..I never thought a city can make me feel this way about me and life..But it does..Probably it is coz i have spent the most "defining" years of my life my there..Or probably it is the people i have met there whom i have grown to love..Or whatever, it's irrelevant..And i miss it..Like i miss the people i love..I am dying to get back there..

Perfect Date..

Have you seen that episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. where Ross and Rachael are in the planetarium??If you have then you might get a little idea about what i am going to write now..

Am one of those moderately romantic females who expect a card and flowers on her birthday but not on the rest 364 days of the year..So whenever someone has asked me what my idea of the perfect date or perfect romantic evening, i have never given a third thought to it!( I will be fibbing if i say i haven't given a second thought to it!)But yeah, seeing that episode few years back, made me realise how i picture that night for me..

Sandy beach or green grass with dew glistening from it..Dark,clear skies..Endless stars glittering..Faded light of the moon..And my love and me..Staring up at infinity..Yeah..sounds pretty perfect to me :-)

I do wish this would comes true..I really do..

Expecting too much??

I don't understand..I never have been able to..Does everything have to be spelled out to people, specially those who matter to you??This has been one of those unanswerable questions in my life..If i have known that person for years, is it unjust for me to expect them to understand me and my expectations without having to give a detailed explanation every time!!Can it not be understood??I know i am complicated, but i am sure i am not that complicated that my loved one's don't know what will make me happy, or what will hurt me..It annoys me to have to tell them what i am feeling bad about or what i thought they would do or whatever..I don't expect this every time, but yeah..Once a while, it would be nice if i didn't have to spell out all that..It gets frustrating..I need people to know me well..I need them to get me flowers without me having to beg them for it(This is just a small example..I mean more deeper issues here..)!!Is this expecting too much from them??Am i being selfish??Am i the only one like this??I don't know if i will be able to answer these questions ever..

Weekend Getaway!!

This isn't like my other posts with introspection on life or such..Just a simple account of a short, but wonderful weekend in Dehradun and Mussorie..

We ( this includes my bhaiya's and bhabhi and my lil nephew who actually likes me!!) left for dehradun at 4:30a.m. on saturday morning..Had an absolutely back breaking ( ask harsh bhaiya!) 7 hour journey..Took the wrong route i guess..Anyway..I don't remember going to ddun before, so i was amazed when we entered the town..It had an outlet of Yo! China!!!Not that i am particularly fond of that place, but it looked liked mini delhi (owing to its proximity to it i guess)..I guess i had the image of it being a small quaint town, but it even had a McD outlet (if you have been to bhopal, you'd know why i was surprised!)..Then rushed for lunch to a friends place..From there we departed to mussorie..We went to see this absolutely amazing piece of land on top of some mountain in the interiors of the city..I almost died seeing the route to that place!!God bless the people who drove us there..I have never seen a steeper, narrower drive to any place..There were actually places where one couldn't see how broad the road was after the turn!!It was soooooo scary!!!Anyway i don't kn ow if the place was worth the drive or not, but i do know that it was breath taking!!The view was just green luscious mountains with their peaks covered by clouds, magnificent green forests and absolutely blue skies!!!It was like heaven!!From there, i saw small, english style houses, covered by trees, in the mountains..I so wished i could live there..They would just be the most romantic places to snuggle up to someone and sit looking at oblivion..Its a wonderful thought!!

Anyway, after that, we just went home and crashed..Though i couldn't sleep even then!!Went for a sumptuous breakfast again and then left for here..This time, after gathering more knowledge about the routes, we took a much better and smoother way and reached back in 5 hrs!!That was it..Very short vacation i know, but i enjoyed it thoroughly..

It's good to have such getaways at times..Brightens Life!!:-)

:-(

Courtesy:Chas Creek

Today was, rather is, one of those days when I don't have a reason to be in a foul mood..One of those days when everything hurts..Things I wouldn't have even given a second thought about on normal days hurt me tremendously!!I don't like it..I don't like feeling so vulnerable..But yeah, this also helps me keep things in perspective..At least, I tell people what i feel about issues i wouldn't have brought up otherwise..This day just makes me feel lonely and make me see all the things that are bad in my life,every relationship that has problems..Basically everything feels ****ed up..I know its wrong, but i can't help it..This is who i am i guess!!

But yeah, am working on trying to improve it!!By treating myself to a rasmalai and watching back to back episodes of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. (2 done, another 5 to go, definitely!!)

Little drops of Happiness :-)

I have spent most of my 22yrs on this earth, looking for happiness in big things!!From the time i was 5 when happiness was related to going to grandparents house every summer till now when it was related to getting into a decent grad school to getting a good job..These are things that happen rarely..So is it really practical to tie your happiness with them??Of course that is considering you actually desire to be happy!!(We all believe we want it, but how many of us actually desire it?)Every now and then, circumstances remind me that i can't afford to lose any moment being sad..

I had forgotten the joy one gets in getting a unexpected call from an old friend, a compliment for someone you love, or getting up to great weather, knowing what AJAX is(!), or being able to install a camera all by myself( i am very handicapped when it comes to computers!), having a hot cup of tea on a rainy evening, or a song on fm which reminds you of an old flame, that little piece of chocolate cake, a romantic sms.....And so much more..I read this quote somewhere saying that we don't have to die to go to heaven or hell..We all have our own heaven or hell right here which we live in..That's so true..It's in our hands to look at life with "rose coloured glasses" or otherwise..We have the option of getting up on the "Right" side of bed every morning and deciding that it will be a good day..And then it will be..I have lost 22 yrs on looking forward to big things in life..And i hope to amend that immediately!!Hope you do too..

Death..And Life..

NO..i have no fascination with death..But unfortunately, i have been constantly reminded of that since the past few months..It's like god kicks me every few days to remind me that life is so frail..It's just the matter of one second..One second...And your whole life can turn upside down..You every dream can be shattered..Your every hope of happiness is crushed..it's like THE END..Of everything........

Death scares me..Not mine..That i don't care about..But of people i love..I have had to go through this once..I don't know if i have the strength to go through it again..When manu died..All i could think then was, what must chachi being going through..What must his girl friend being going through..I guess that is why it is taking me so long to accept this death..But my point is, I don't think i am strong enough to go through that..If something happened to those few i love, i will probably go crazy..Death is too permanent for me to take..For everyone i guess..All i wanna say is..God bless Ricky..And everyone who is in the heavens..You all will be missed..

Such is life..I guess..

Life is weird..It makes you miss people you never thought you would..I just dropped two of my friends at the station..Spent almost a week with them..Never knew that one quality week with them could change how i see each of those relationships..Things weren't great between us..But now there feels no need to sort them out..As she said, "Let bygones be bygones"..I guess time HAS come to move on..To accept the past and move on!!Things change..So do relationships..Why do i like to hang on to ones that are not meant to be and close myself to those which probably deserve much more than i give them??This loses me at times..How can i be so naive..I amaze myself!!I need to learn to give up and give in..Not waste my life on people who don't care about me..I was telling Krishna today that in every past relationship of mine,however much i have been hurt, i still look back on them and smile..Frankly they don't even deserve it..But i do..This makes me feel weak..I should be angry,hurt,disappointed..I guess i am all of those..But they tend to take a back seat!!

Life is sad..It makes you realise that you probably didn't give due time and dedication to relationships that warranted for such much more..I wish i had been more forgiving and understanding..I wish i had given people another chance..They certainly deserved it..My life would have been very different today if i had done any of that..But i guess it is better late than never..Hopefully i wont make the same mistakes again..

Life is weakness..It makes you realise that every emotion that you go through is coz you have a weakness for that..Love, hate, success, failure, anger, happiness...Everything..Everything is a weakness..That is why i say..Having a weakness isn't bad..Actually it's good..Makes you live and feel every moment of it!!One would be dead if one wasn't weak..

Life is subjective..You might not agree to anything i just said..And that is perfect..There is no equation for life..I guess that is what makes people want to live..

An ode to Manu..

Just back from a trip to bhopal..A much needed trip i think..It was great fun..Meeting old friends, living the kinda life i used to 5 yrs back..Was fun..yeah..:)

But i missed 2 people a lot there..One i wont write about coz it's a relationship i still can't accept that it doesn't exist..And it hurts..But the other.......

Manu died almost 3 months back..I still remember that call i received from ma when she told me about him..I still feel the same chills as i did then..I couldnt believe it..It was manu re..How could anything happen to him!!I have always thought about how i would react to losing someone close to me, but you really cant prepare yourself for it..Nothing can..I remember seeing his body lying in the mortuary with nothing but a fan above him and his body full of sand..I can only think of the pain he would have gone through before dying..I wish i could feel it..I think everyday what must have been his last thoughts..I hope he remembered me once..Its a ridiculous hope i know, but i do hope he had..I remember touching his forehead before his funeral, and i got so scared coz it was so cold..I couldnt believe that he could be so cold..

If you know me you'd know that i have only a few people in my life who i love..very few people actually..Be it family or otherwise(to me, its not a necessity to love just coz i am related to them!)..Manu was my brother, my most trusted friend, my source of strength, my source of weakness..I remember the times when we were very young and we used to sleep on our dadi's terrace in summers, he and i used to lie down and stare at the skies and make up constellations that we believed looked like something or the other!!I remember going for a walk with him every morning at 7 to collect flowers for dadi..I remember counting days backward for his visit..Somewhere deep inside, I still do..Most of the happiest memories of my childhood have to do with him..How could i accept that he is dead!!Its been one of the most sobering experience of my life..Makes you realise how important it is tell the people you love, that you love them..Even if they are family..It should never be implied..I used to tell Apuarv that he is the only brother of mine who actually says "i love you sis" to me..And that meant so much to me..I don't think i have ever lost the opportunity to say that to him too, but after all this,one is left feeling that i wish i had done more for him..I really do..I pray so hard that i could get to hug once more..My heart still hurts so badly missing him..Where ever he is, i hope he know i love him..I love him a lot..

A revelation??

It's weird..But it actually feels nice writing a blog..Its kinda fun seeing what u think in writing!!About my blog of yesterday, Krishna said,"it was a candid expression... i liked it a lot... reminded me of the shraddha i once knew so well"..Have i changed that much that people don't recognise me anymore or have i just stopped talking..I don't know..I do get complaints all the time that i don't talk..But i do!!I am not much of a talker anyway..But i tell everything i can..

There are only a few people in this world whom i can tell almost everything to(actually its just one person now) but even that everything is "censored"..There are loads of emotions i feel that i can't even tell him..Not because i wanna hide anything or coz i am ashamed of those feelings, but it's sort of inherent in me..I can't tell anyone everything..And it does suffocate me..But i am trying to improve that!!I guess this is mainly coz i am tired of being judged..And ultimately i have realised that there are things better not talked about..I know i can solve them within me, and even if i can't, atleast that other person doesn't get hurt..I know i will manage with it..This is one of the few benefits of being a single child..You learn to live with yourself and be happy too..

Maybe years have changed me..Maybe i have become more of an introvert,more cynical..But how should that matter..I am still me.....And i still like me..I hope "you" do too..... :)

Me..Just me..

I can't believe that i am writing a blog..If u know me, you'd know that i am not your "average" writing type of girl!!But i realised..I don't know what..But i just know that i realised..
I have no complaints against anything..I don't regret anything..I might not feel it at that particular moment, but in hindsight, I have always felt that..I, like everyone, has these moments in life where i feel that life is being biased against me, but it has given me everything i deserved..Both good and bad..I am not an idealist..I believe every relationship has fights..I believe that u have to cry to laugh..I believe that people have hurt me, but i have hurt them more..Right or wrong..I don't care..
I am the sort of person who is content having just a couple of friends who i can trust blindly..People mistake me for being arrogant..I am a little (i also believe that it is necessary to have a "little" arrogance, though "little" is open for negotiations!) but i am not as bad as people think i am..Please don't mistake this as being a clarification of who i am or a justification of any kind, coz its not..I care for very few people in this world..And its their opinion only which counts..Rest..Well.......
I am terribly complicated..And confused..But if i love you, i will do everything for you..I like to believe that i don't expect people to understand me but then i would be lying..I am selfish..Who isn't..But i try to not let that come in between of anyones happiness..I know i have failed in loads of relationships..People won't believe me, but i have tried to give my best..I am not good enough for them i guess..
I know i have a terrible temper..And i know i say things when i am angry that i don't mean..But, though i am working on it, I don't think its improving much..I like to crib..I believe its everyones right!!But i know i am satisfied..
I am not trying to portray myself as being anything..A friend just said that i am being too candid here..I don't think anyone cares enough to even read this..Just another attempt..To untangle myself..